“Where are they now?”
It’s a new day. Same old bitch haha… that shit was not funny but as it enters the midnight hour I have been struggling the past maybe 3 days. It stems from the longstanding issue that has caused many issues with my life. I have touched on this issue before Like last entry I believe. This might be a long entry today I really need to get this out of me.
So where do I begin I have a hard time expressing myself through even my music being something I use to try but most the time I think it never hits the nail on the head. i never quite express the way I feel and right now I feel pain, Sadness because I feel alone. I Do not have many friends.
And back in the day I always had a clique of friends I guess mainly because they were people who were not cool. I was never able to blend in and didn’t really feel like I belonged around the other people who already had their friends and groups of people.
So instead id surround myself with people who hated each other, hated themselves and I can’t say I was any different. All my friends for so long were losers and the losers never stuck around.
Now my friend group is so small. It’s almost nonexistent. I have like 2 friends one always working. And the other also busy. I don’t Blame them but it also kinda sucks there is distance between us now literally and figuratively.
IRL 0 friends. I don’t like shit I don’t go outside Lol what a great album title. But it’s true I’m a miserable person to be around I am shy and not in a cute way in a way that hinders any progress on creating lasting friendships.
And when I do I get kinda sick of seeing people every day. It’s a fucking loophole in my skull why do I feel lonely but when I get people close I feel disappointed.
Is it because I have not yet met people I deem worth it to be close with? and if I do will they view me as equally worthy? In part why I was so infatuated with my ex. I deemed them worth of my adoration until they were gone and I decided to break up.
Even for months after. I deleted a big section here since I don’t really want to write it before I get through these issues with the person. I don’t think it is fair to have them learn all this through a fucking diary entry.
FUCK focus me. I don’t know what I’m gonna do I hate this situation I’ll leave it at that. I can’t even focus on what im trying to say I can’t do anything.
I am so fucking worthless I can barely write a song it takes me fucking months to get anything. i hate this. I hate my life because everyone else finds me annoying to be around.
i have like no one who cares about my music other than a few fans. I put my life and everything into what I write only to be left with nothing.
Its anger for the sake of anger, loneliness for the sake of me being alone, depression for the sake of being depressed. I don’t get it when artists say they work through pain.
i don’t understand I can write things that sound sad and hurtful but I can’t fix my own issues. Only temporary fixes and solutions to my smaller problems.
Like OH boy you figured out how to feel comfort in your gender identity agony ensues regardless. I wish I had someone I could talk to about this shit who has been through this.
Not a fucking video of someone who could never understand my fucking life telling me it’s gonna be okay just believe.
I believe because I have no choice. If I let go I will let go of myself entirely. how can a life go by without any assist not anything no one gets what I try to do.
i don’t need a therapist monetary centric conversation doesn’t concern me. Everyone wants cash so much they forget any sense of empathy or life.
To me these people are worthless blinded by greed without a real blood cell in their body. What more do I write today I feel emptier than when I started.
At the end of the day I still am on a one-person journey. But then again I never would have developed all these skills If I had people to lean on.
But would it be so much worse? nowadays the only texts I get are scam messages every friend I lose takes one out of my already low count.
I don’t know if this will ever get better I doubt myself every day I can’t help it I have no one to help me believe it will be better.
Only me only myself only I can convince me everything will be okay. Only I can write a happy ending.
“A perfect world is never perfect only filled with lies, promises are broken and more resentment come alive”