“It’s getting worse everyday”
As per my prediction I feel like shit writing this but I’ll try to manage enough strength into my body in order to make stuff for this log. I feel so weak right now. My body hurts insanely just tired and so so lethargic. It feels like it will take so much effort of mine just to get out of this bed, let alone room. I just want to be asleep but I can’t it’s whatever. Instead I’m scrolling through a chamber of shitty takes and unfunny quips on these apps. I can’t care less about anyones random political views, or how they dress, or any random internet drama shit. Its so worthless were all gonna have it erased and forgotten some day what matters.
But who cares I’m just being pessimistic despite the fact it’s just my failing frame bothering me. Yesterday I finished a whole song that doesn’t happen a lot. Probably will go over some more stuff for it that’s positive I suppose. But what worth is my positivity it’s so fucking cold every morning I’m freezing, I’m tired, it’s like my body wants to rot in this bed and fall into this bed. I can barely focus on anything. Im literally drifting off writing this. I can’t keep track of anything. Im just so so tired and I hate it. I hate living like this. I hate feeling lonely. I hate feeling angry at random shit. I get it keeps me active but it’s just not worth it feeling so sluggish and worthless at all times. I go outside to my front lawn just to stand around and run in a circle just to feel outside and feel like I’m not stuck in life. i always drift off imagining all these random silly scenarios I build up in my head but am too weak to actually achieve.
I don’t even know what to do online. I don’t make friends. I don’t know how. i just hang out with the same people online. No one really gets me. which is rich wanting to be understood in a world that classifies everyone we ever met by our basic impressions never caring about anything deeper than that. i don’t blame myself any longer for this it just never seemed like it was possible for me to be more than what i am. Am I a failure? I guess. I never end up with what I want. Everything goes wrong I feel like. But what am I what do I actually want. Always the awful question I ask myself.
Who am I? I hate this question it seems so basic human with human emotions and experiences. but it’s hard. I don’t really know. I always change and lose my identity I guess in a sense why I felt comfortable being non-binary. i never felt easily defined even by gender. I don’t really relate to men or women neither gender really understands the person I wish to be. Where as I am always chasing freedom and expression. I did have thoughts of wanting to fully transition but in all honesty it’s never what I truly wanted. I just wanted to be recognized not as a man not a woman just as a person seen more than just gender. anyways who am I right? Gender isn’t the issue I don’t struggle as much with a dysphoria and rarely do as when I started during Theater of Dogs. It’s just why are things happening to me why am I acting a way that feels like my whole life I’ve said things done things I felt like don’t properly act how I feel inside. Like I’ll be too hyper or just completely out of it and it’s not fair. Knowing it’s ADHD now but it’s tiresome I still question why I do it. I used to feel like my skeleton hates my body and brain are trapped in it. Like my heart is a mess and ruins everything. I don’t think I put on a mask for other people. I think my shadow slips one on me when I stop looking.
I like writing these entries it brings me back and makes me think back on my life. A chance to reflect. I think I can get out of bed now. I’ll do the drawing later (something I always seem to say) I know I didn’t come to any conclusion or once again and I forgot to write one last month so ill try to make another this month of higher quality. I just wanted to write something. i don’t know I’m real tired. oh yea happy new year.