diary : winter
It’s winter time or feels like winter. Supposedly winter doesn’t start until late December. But that’s probably just propaganda created to engage the Christmas season by making everyone associate winter with Christmas. Why you may ask? I don’t know snow looks cool on store posters lol. Shitposting aside I’m not happy about this. winter I associate with sorrow and sadness its cold, heartless, sharp. The icy air outside will cripple you without protection. Around late January is a hard time for me every year.
but anyways update since it has been two months since I wrote here I have been busy trying to just be more active with stuff and hey had what I considered nice success for my new record. But now that I’m done I have already started my new album. Seeking to really come into my own fully this album always wanting to try new things. Not gonna talk much since it’s in a starting phase but I do promise that it’s gonna be BIGGER and on a grander scale. thats it for that.
I have done more art recently and really tried to improve as an artist and adapting my style of just fucking about to create a piece of art. i think a lot of the art I have done recently is my favorite in the projects history. Its funny cause now when I look back on all my albums and covers and past art its sooooo rough. And now that I’ve changed my method of art and drawing it to me feels so much more in line with what I originally wanted this project to be. I am content with that. And I know I’m not being pessimistic as all hell but this is stuff I felt proud about. I feel pride in myself over what I’ve accomplished this past year. It’s been the most successful in my history.
So forgive me for not being in my worst feeling ever as I go into creating a new album not with the pain and heartbreak and misery and depression with my last projects. I mean I have made projects where I was suicidal and dysphoric. Personally im excited for the future and the things I will be doing. that doesn’t mean im dread free. Im still lonesome. I hate the person I am right now and can’t fucking stand the way I at times. And I try to believe I’ll change but every time it feels like I fail myself and my own worth. even if I’m excited I know I’ll never be happy. My chest is hollow I am holding on to a dream that will die with me.
Ambition. Is the only reason I am still alive even during those last albums and the awful times. I still had a dream. I NEED my dream. I NEED this. Where as I watch many of my friends surrender to fate and mediocrity I cannot accept this. I am DEVOUT to ambition it is the only reason I still and alive. And if I had my dream I’d feel I don’t know like this all completed something that all I have done all meant something. I wrote another diary before like a month ago I never posted where I discussed how I read berserk and how I felt about the characters. i really enjoyed how it approaches ambition where it can be dangerous and perilous how it made someone who was so beloved into a awful person so willing to sacrifice everyone to accomplish his dream. Which he did. But I was asked recently a similar question. Would I sacrifice all my friends or close relationships for my dream? Am I so ambitious as to throw away everything for success? I mean it wasn’t asked like that BUT regardless.
where ambition and chasing the sunshine blinds me and destroys me. Killing me and ruining what I had and what I was worth.
where I achieve it at what cost being alone another phase of isolation and misery and sacrifice to achieve What I hold most dear.
The white light: freedom and becoming whole feeling complete with myself and being able to forgive myself for the past and accepting myself because I accomplish what I wished.
And I know I could just let it go give in and live normal till fate eventually takes me… but can i? or would I just end it all disappointed at myself over the waste of a 1/1 trillion opportunity for life. Despite myself I never resonated with nihilism. It’s nihilism that grounds people their whole lives. its nihilism that created this awful space we live in and living in a hopeless world made it so its hard for anyone to dream and believe in themselves without scolding or ridicule. So no matter what I won’t give up on my dreams. I won’t give up on myli I won’t give up on myself. Even if it takes me yrs and I’m an old crippled enby with 2 working fingers. I will believe in myself because there is no choice and you should believe in you too.
END — 6:43 AM